evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
