Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
