I can tuck mytits in my pants
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
