I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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