I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
