You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
