Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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