The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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