My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
