i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
