Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
