Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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