I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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