Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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