You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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