I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I intend to get homeless drunk
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
