i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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