maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
