weddingsv make me drug and hornr
You can't special order awesome
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
