Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
