I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
