so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
