I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
