Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
