I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
