Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
