i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
