So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
