You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
