My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
