I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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