Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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