i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
