You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
