I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
