I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Enjoy the penises
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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