using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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