Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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