I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
