You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
