If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
