He told me they were just razor bumps!
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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