The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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