just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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