nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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