dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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