i can't believe i had my finger in that
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
