I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
