I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
