I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
