got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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