We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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