in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
