On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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