Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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